TV CHARACTER OBITUARIES

 

The most fun I have writing is doing my series of TV CHARACTER OBITUARIES. I do not know what it says about my sanity, but, man, I can think of more ways to kill a popular TV character than Jack the Ripper if he had been a story runner for a sitcom or a one-hour drama. Who would even want to see Fonzie dead, much less devise a way to escort him to the grave? That would be me, though Jessica Fletcher from Murder She Wrote deserves what I gave her for being the kiss of death to other characters. True I used to have a major crush on Yvonne Craig, who played Batgirl in the Sixties (I was only eight-years-old, but I nonetheless ravished her in my dreams), but that did not stop me from staging an elaborate end to her pretty life. And still I love her so much! So click on any of the fictional people below and learn how they were ushered into TV Heaven:

Captain Picard Dies from a Hair Transplant

THE PLANET HIRSUTIA — The galaxy was saddened yesterday at the news of the death — from a hair-transplant miscue — of its frequent savior, Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the United Federation of Planets... (Click to read more...) 

Jessica Fletcher Murdered by Host

 

CABOT COVE, ME – Famed mystery writer and all-around nosy old bitty, Jessica Fletcher, was murdered this past weekend at the home of all-around eccentric, Ralph Nadir... (Click to read more...)

Magnum Dies While Driving a Volkswagon

 

HONOLULU, HI – Former Navy Seal and intelligence officer and private investigator, Thomas Magnum, died yesterday when his ’74 Volkswagen Bug drove off a cliff and exploded in a nano-second after,,, (Click to read more...)

Batgirl Dies of a Broken Heart

 

GOTHAM CITY – Longtime crime-fighter, Batgirl, was found dead at the public library with her face buried in a volume of The Sonnets of Shakespeare. A black Sharpie was in her right hand... (Click to read more...)

Fonzie Dies in Jukebox Accident

 

BOCA RATON, FL – Arthur Fonzarelli, aka The Fonz, aka Fonzie, aka the Italian guy who, with increasing age, bore a striking resemblance to a Lower East side Jewish butcher, died yesterday far from his legendary... (Click to read more...)

Rory Gilmore Dies at Inauguration

 

WASHINGTON, DC – The youngest of the self-styled “Gilmore Girls,” Rory, had come a long way from the days when she and her mother, Lorelai, the other half of the self-styled “Gilmore Girls,” lived in... (Click to read more...)

Kate Austen is “Lost” a Second Time

THE ISLAND – Kate Austen, who grew up in Iowa before relocating to Purgatory for six years, has died a second time due to a malfunction in the Afterlife Phase-Shifter, a device that transitions... (Click to read more...)

Cosmo Kramer Giddy-ups for Last Time

NEW YORK, NY — Cosmo Kramer died on Tuesday when he fell off a New York City police horse and onto the multi-pierced face of a man doing sit-ups in Central Park. The punk rocker with the six-pack abs... (Click to read more...)

Mary Richards Dies from a Botched Boob-Job

NEW YORK — Mary Richards died on Friday due to complications from a botched boob job. The 77-year-old Richards, a New York City resident, had been obsessed of late with her fading good looks... (Click to read more)

Charlie’s Angel, Jill Munroe, Killed by Granddaughter

LOS ANGELES, CA – The adventurous Jill Munroe finally met her match this past Sunday at the hands of her eight-year-old granddaughter.
Ms. Munroe was a noted adrenaline junkie, having spent her teen years... (Click to read more...)

I Dream of a Dead Jeannie

COCOA BEACH, FL – Former genie, Jeannie Nelson, died three days ago when, in a moment of absentmindedness, she forgot that she no longer possessed magical powers. Mrs. Nelson was on a hotel balcony... (Read more...)

Norm Peterson Makes Last Call

WEST PALM BEACH, FL – Norm Peterson, weight loss guru and former barfly at some Boston hole-in-the-wall called Cheers, died on Saturday as an indirect result of his having dropped 160 pounds over... (Read more...)

Hermey The Elf Dies in Bar Fight

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Yesterday Hermey the Elf died in the arms, or hooves, of long-time companion, Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer. The death was the result of a bar fight that started with a patron... (Read more...)

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