Book and Screenplay Writer-
James Francis Johnson
FAKE PERSONAL ADS BLOGS
The dilemma faced by the modern writer, whether self-published or published by the biggest houses, is that blogging is necessary to bring attention to your work while causing most readers to then feel no need to "buy" your books. This is especially true of my book Fake Personal Ads, since it is a collection of two-page satirical dating profiles -- i.e., perfect individual blogs, therefore free to read once uploaded on WordPress. Of course, my delusional writer's ego hopes that readers of the blogs will be encouraged to buy the book, with all the profiles arranged in coherent his/hers couplets, as either a bathroom companion or as a gift to a chronically single friend. Below is a sampling of what's inside Fake Personal Ads:
WOMEN SEEKING MEN
I Drive a Red Convertible – Let’s be Hot Together
First, guys, let it be said – and let it be written – that I am what modern sociologists call a hottie; or what anthropologists call a total babe; or what biologists call the luckiest draw in the genetic... (Click to read more)
MEN SEEKING WOMEN
I Just Bought a Hummer – Now Love Me!
Ladies, the truth is that I have always been a thick-skulled brute, as opposed to a lighter cranial individual who picks bugs from the hair of his buddies in a frozen cave. I am the one... (Click to read more)
Salutations, gentlemen. To start, like most beautiful and successful women, I should have just cut and pasted my six-page resume onto this dating profile with the deluded belief that what men really want... (Click to read more)
I am a Winner(!). Why am I a Winner(!)? Well, because I talk in a booming voice, especially on a cell phone during a hushed Brit Milah ceremony (a Jewish circumcision) – and if the little bastard comes away... (Click to read more)
You Will Love Me Because I am Beautiful
You silly boy, first, do not even pretend that you will not fall in love with me once you lay eyes on my supreme beauty, or that you will not stay in love with me for no other reason except that I am the world’s consensus most beautiful woman. Second, please do not fool yourself... (Click to read more)
You Will Love Me Because I am Tall, Period
You silly girl, do I even have to write a damn dating profile after having listed my height at six-foot-five? The fact is that you will love me for no other reason except that I am taller than an NBA-ready giraffe, or that you will stay in love with me for no other reason except that a TALL man makes YOU look good in public... (Click to read more)
First, I am a WOMAN, not a girl, or a chick, or a babe. When was the last time a WOMAN wearing a dowdy dress and galoshes was called a babe, or even a member of the fairer sex? This means that I only find humor... (Click to read more)
Conservative Man Seeks Baby-Making Machine
I am man who is so conservative that, to me, Rush Limbaugh is Alec Baldwin with three extra chins and an optional ass-cheek. I live so far to the right that my neighbor to the right is the same Jehovah who turned Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt,... (Click to read more)
Angelina Jolie Seeks Sperm Donors
Hi guys, first, let me take off the eye patch that I wore in Sky Captain, and perhaps, then, you will recognize me as Saint Angelina, the photogenic lady who will embrace any leper from another country (a foreign leper is more exotic than... (Click to read more)
My friends say that I am handsome, while other “People” have called me numero uno in the beefcake department, and numero dos in the teriyaki steak department behind Dylan McDermott, who used to be a delivery boy for a Chinese... (Click to read more)
If You Propose To Me On The Jumbotron, I'll Kill You!
Hey guys, yes, I want a boyfriend, but let me lay down my one and only ground rule: If the two of us are ever getting drunk at a baseball game, and you ask me to marry you while all the stadium watches us on the jumbotron — if you do this... (Click to read more)
I Want To Propose To A Lady On The Jumbotron
Hi, girls, you may know me as the guy who wants a girlfriend but who also wants, at the same time, to soak his malfunctioning brain in professional sports morning, noon and night – and to hell with re-runs of Law and Order. I listen to sports... (Click to read more)
Wanted: A Classy Man Who Can Burp the Alphabet
My man is a charming esthete who can amble through The Palazzo Medici and explain its design as a perfect blend of Classicism meeting the incipient Renaissance, and then punctuate his dissertation by burping the letters that spell the name of its... (Click to read more)
Wanted: A Classy Woman Who Takes a lot of Dumps
My woman can tell the difference between a Matisse and a Monet, and then sit upon the throne and drop fecal matter like Jackson Pollack during an especially active paint-dripping session. She can read the part of Viola or Lady Macbeth, and still... (Click to read more)
"I am Not a Cat Lady" Seeks Man
Men, I just want to reassure you that I am not one of those cat ladies. You know the type: An old broad who owns five felines, all of whom sleep with her like interspecies lovers. You see, I have only four cats, and only three of them share my bed... (Click to read more)
"Not the Toy Train Set Guy" Seeks Lady
Please, ladies, do not be misinformed about my identity, as it would be inaccurate, if not mean-spirited, to call me a “guy who would rather play with his little choo-choo trains than bed down with a naked, voluptuous, sex-crazed... (Click to read more)
Love Me For My Seven Bratty Kids
Family is very important to me. That means that my seven children from seven different fathers should be important to you, too. Yes, sir, that is an ultimatum – no matter that you do not know me from Adam, or even from Adam Ant; no matter... (Click to read more)
Single Dad Who Uses His Kids to Get Laid
That’s me, one of those annoying single dads who parades his kids around parks and lingerie shows, using the tikes to break the ice with girls, like how some guys use their dogs for the same purpose... (Click to read more)
Yes, boys, honesty is a virtue and all that happy horse shit, but, come on, do I really want to hear the truth that I do indeed look fat in that dress, especially after I dropped half a week’s paycheck to buy the damn thing? Do I really want to hear... (Click to read more)
Ladies like to complain that men are liars and that, as a result, ladies want no liars, which is to say that they want no man, though they want a man. I am here to say that if all men are liars, then why not go... (Click to read more)