Book and Screenplay Writer-
James Francis Johnson
The JJ Galaxy
This is where I post my miscellaneous stuff on Word Press. The items range from the funny to the serious, but are for the most part tinged with sharp humor stemming from my light-hearted misanthropy. The straight blogs issue from my years as an avid reader of high literature and from my studies as a science major at UMass Boston -- and, yes, they are often pilfered, online, from current students. Therefore, if you want me to write you a school essay, please pay me!
The usual unimaginative critic of The Pickup Truck Driver is a stereotype unto himself – that is, he employs the boring cliché that those who sit high in a Ford F-150... (Click to read more...)
The “My Wife” Guy is self-explanatory: He loves to say, “My Wife,” and it matters not at which part of the sentence he opts to incorporate his pet phrase, so long... (Click to read more...)
To behold this couple is to think that Jerry Garcia has returned from the dead – the actual dead rather than the Grateful variety – to escort a Vermont lesbian to.... (Click to read more...)
The Volvo Driver believes that the true objective of automotive transportation is to demonstrate moral superiority, if not angelic ascendency, in direct opposition... (Click to read more...)
Jon Stewart an Informant for Paparazzi
NEW YORK, NY – Actors, politicians and Lynne Cheney are in shock at news that Jon Stewart has been feeding the paparazzi sensitive information about those whom he interviews... (Click to read more...)
Sexual selection is far from being limited to human females posting personal ads looking for a mate who is tall, handsome and loaded with money; or to bar queens wearing spandex... (Click to read more...)
Jesus Has a Few Friends Over for B-Day
HEAVEN – Jesus Christ celebrated his 2016th birthday this week with a handful of friends, including his best pal, Satan, and new wife, Anna Nicole Smith. God the... (Check to read more...)
Introducing The Walking Catfish
Let us begin a discussion about the Walking Catfish with a little limerick: There once was a catfish walking/ That had the folks in Florida talking./ The fish walked the roads,/ Got splattered like toads./
And the carcasses got drivers to balking... (Read more)
Dead Hamas Suicide Bomber Asks Allah for Another 72 Virgins
HEAVEN – Famed Hamas martyr, Sa’id ibn al-Wazzub, is causing quite the controversy in Islamic Paradise, which shares a celestial border with the Buddhist realm of Samsara... (Read more...)
Are Science Majors Better Than Liberal Arts Majors?
On the day of my graduation from UMass-Boston, we science majors wore gold tassels while everyone else wore undistinguished white ones. At one point, a young lady Liberal Arts Major said to one of my friends... (Read more...)
The All-American girl!...Everything thing we do, not just me, we do for HER!...And here we arrive at the heart of the argument, whether that argument be what this beautiful, blonde-haired, wholesome, god-fearing girl represents to the... (Read more...)
I drive for Uber part-time in Denver on early morning weekends. I have 1000 rides to my credit. What is the result of this experience other than a chronically locked right knee, car payments going into a void... (Read more...)
Dunkin' Donuts Steps Up Pro-Littering Campaign
CANTON, MA — It used to be, claimed an old Dunkin’ Donuts ad, that it was time to make the donuts – now, says the longtime purveyor of fat and cholesterol, it’s time to litter the American... (Click more to read more...)
Most romantic couples – and couples who are not romantic but are together nonetheless – usually forge their bond around a theme, hobby or shared goal... (Click to read more...)
A Pseudo Biker is a weekend biker, one with no chance of ever going to jail, except perhaps for the white collar crime of embezzling money from a non-profit... (Click to read more...)
Sideburn Boy
This specimen is a descendant of Cornelius Vanderbilt by way of William Howard Taft, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Elvis, the guy who played Heimie on "Get Smart"... (Click to read more...)
This guy is nuts, and would be committed if everyone around him did not also buy into his delusions of grandeur. For one thing, he denies the existence of television... (Click to read more...)
Macbeth Teaches Us About The Futility of Life
Rare is the poem – or in this case, the passage of a play that can stand by itself as a poem – whose beginning and end have been used as titles for other literary... (Click to read more...)
Jesus Blasts the Liberal Elite Media
Jesus talked to reporters yesterday after two thousand years of refusing interviews. The Son of God appeared before forty print and electronic media members... (Click to read more...)
H.L. Mencken: The Great Prose Stylist
The greatest American prose stylist of the twentieth century, if alive today, would be as anonymous as the author of the hieroglyphics at Giza, with one difference: at least the guy... (Read more...)
AURORA, CO – George Casablanca had been a shy, non-confrontational man all his life – that is, until last year when he listened to a motivational tape entitled “How to be Assertive without Getting Your Ass Kicked.” The one-hour... (Read more...)
How to Succeed in the Screenwriting Business
I have been, of late, receiving emails telling of momentous news on par with the Pope having just announced his departure from the Vatican so he can travel to Tibet to become a Buddhist Monk, or, if not that, then... (Read more...)
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Robert Downey Jr. has had his share of troubles throughout his career, from his first arrest for drug possession in 1996 to breaking the ribs of Calista Flockhart while shooting a love scene for Ally... (Read more...)
People, in general, love to hold themselves up as paragons of wisdom, of deep thinking, of having at their manicured or cigarette-stained fingertips a catalogue of Solomon-esque quotations that, once uttered with certainty,.. (Read more...)
I am also a certified personal fitness trainer. Below I tried to combine my love of fitness with my love of satirical writing:
How I Trained Cheryl Ladd in Golf Fitness
We all have our favorite angel. Gabriel and Michael seem to be on most people’s top five list of spiritual protectors. My list includes just one angel, and her name is Cheryl Ladd. How could anyone not feel spiritually safe... (Click to read more...)
How I Taught Ben Affleck and Matt Damon About Antioxidants
It is a well kept Hollywood secret that it was me, Jim Johnson, mythical trainer to the stars, who gave Ben Affleck and Matt Damon the idea for the most memorable line in their Academy Award-winning movie, Good Will Hunting... (Click to read more...)
I was loitering in front of my trainer picture at Einstein Fitness in Arvada, Colorado, wondering why it was that I looked nothing like Brad Pitt, when I heard a commotion at the front desk. I looked to see a group of maybe ten people whose outlandish appearance caused the word “entourage” to flit through... (Click to read more...)
Hubris The Great
My "Hubris the Great" Blog is a serial based on the character, Hubris, who is an unemployable, delusional, philosopher genius. The love of his life is a borderline illiterate chain-smoking lady named Virago, whom he met in drug rehap. I only wrote ten installments, but would someday like to expand Hubris the Great into a novel or maybe a screeplay.
Below are all ten stories in order of their creation:
Hubris Works (for a brief moment) at TGIF
Hubris on "the good guy in the locker room"
Hubris Disses Saints and Sainthood
Hubris Trains to Punch Donald Trump in Face
Hubris Weighs in on bin Laden's Death